savage25: (Default)
Well, if you haven't already guessed by now, I haven't been active on LiveJournal for a long while. 22-weeks since my last update. My "paid account" expired yesterday, and I've made the decision to not renew.

LiveJournal was a great way of expressing myself and meeting new people over the past 5 years. I've found a new way of expressing myself and connecting with friends and family: "Facebook"
Paul Narsavage's Facebook profile

I won't be deleting my journal... just not going to be keeping it updated, or even pretend that I'm still active in it now.

I have lots of great memories and friends from LJ:
[ profile] bassbear - a cutie and his student quotes-of-the-day were always great to read
[ profile] bearpawly - his coming-out and many of his great entries have deeply affected me
[ profile] bigfundrew - his humor and family are so much a part of him and it shows (now on Facebook too)
[ profile] jkusters - always there to listen and give a hug (now on Facebook too)
[ profile] kev_bot - so smart and witty, truly an amazing guy (now on Facebook too)
[ profile] labelsdc - this fashionista and I are life-long friends now (now on Facebook too)
[ profile] shadowbearmn - the cats and humor and wit, and thanks for the pokes
[ profile] texaspenguin - he made it through medical school and kept his smile
[ profile] thepup & [ profile] cactusbear - so great to meet these guys in AZ, so much fun!
[ profile] thereisnofear - the sexxy, fun, and talented Kendall

If I haven't already, someday I hope to meet all of you in-person. I'll keep an eye out for you, and if you're on Facebook, be sure to "friend me".

[Edit: I just read through a bunch of friends posts. Facebook isn't the same... I do admit to missing LJ... reading & writing the entries here is much more creative... but... it also takes more time to read / write than a one-line status. Work has been busy, priorities change, etc.]
savage25: (Condolence)
Just wanted to post a quick little entry to recap the vacation weekend.

Barry and I drove to my parent's in West Virginia on Wednesday. Fairly easy drive... had a really good time with my parents and family. And Thanksgiving dinner went very well. There were 26 people -- my mom's side of the family... almost all of them. Barry was a major help in the kitchen, keeping everything cooking and making sure everything was ready on-time.

We made a video for my grandma (mom's mom) where everyone related their favorite "Holiday Memory" and wished her well -- since she lives in Florida and can't travel to be with everyone. It was really nice... now if we (Barry and I) can just get it burnt to a DVD -- darn software is not working quiet the way it should.

Black Friday was spent with family, sitting around and chatting... and a little shopping thrown in.

Barry and I drove back home on Saturday. We then went to Santa Saturday in New Hope... got there just as the main festivities were ending, but honestly, that was OK with me... seemed a bit (a lot) crowded, and I'm not sure I was really in the mood. We got to see Frank and David and have dinner with them... which was really nice. Also got to see one of the local bed and breakfasts (Wishing Well) where a bunch of guys from camp were staying. It was nice. My favorite room was the one behind the bookcase. I drove us home (as Barry was tired of driving since he drove all day, and because he had a bit more to drink than I).

Sunday night I went to my uncle's viewing. We buried Uncle Stanley today. He passed away on Wednesday morning... My father's brother... it was a really sad thanksgiving for that side of the family. I don't have too many memories of Uncle Stanley -- mostly that he was just a nice guy, and always talking about where he had been making his deliveries lately (deliveries for a produce company I believe). I remember him coming to our house in the country when I was very young to fill up milk jugs with our well-water... and me being scared by him... showing up when I least expected it or something. Now I look back and laugh and wonder why I didn't spend more time with him or talking with him. *sigh*

It was good seeing family and all -- just one of those "wish it was under better circumstances" kind of things.

Oh... yeah... and I got a speeding ticket on my way to the funeral. UGH.
savage25: (Squirrel)
Have you ever seen a squirrel run out into the road in-front of you... he gets more than halfway across and then sees you coming, panics, and runs back in-front of you.  And you think "Stupid little creature!"

Don't be so quick to judge...  I think we do this sometimes in our own lives.

"Huh?" you ask? ... This happened on my way into work this morning... but after my initial "Stupid little creature, keep going!" scream while braking quickly to avoid him, I asked myself "Why would he do that?!" and think I realized something... 

Perhaps he was turning back to what he "knew" rather than take the chance on the "unknown"... 

I mean, halfway across and suddenly this car comes flying at him.  Panic!  OMG, what do I do?!  Do I turn back and go the way I just came because I know I can make it and I know how far it is and I know it's safe back over there?  OR, do I keep moving forward without truly knowing how much further there is to go and not knowing if the other side of the road is as safe or as good a destination as I hope it is?

Life is like that sometimes.

How often have I been working toward a goal, only to have some conflict come along or hit a stumbling point at which I panic and turn back.  Abandoning my quest to return to what "I know" rather than what "I want".

I'm not saying the other side of the road is always a better destination... but wouldn't it be great to have a "driver's view" of our lives and see if we're more than halfway to our goals or not?  To have the omnipotent knowledge that we're almost there if we just keep going?  

Sometimes what we think is the easier path, truly isn't.  

Alas, the squirrel doesn't understand us when we yell, "Keep going, stupid creature!"  Perhaps there is a voice out there yelling at us too, but we just can't understand... or, aren't we listening?

Life Signs

Nov. 1st, 2007 11:21 pm
savage25: (Exit)
You know how when your driving a route that you know so well that you really aren't paying attention.  You're basically zoned-out and the car is driving itself.  Did you ever realize days after-the-fact that a new road sign has been put up somewhere on your route?

Life is like that sometimes.

I sometimes wonder if I'm zoned-out of life and just driving along without looking or thinking.  I sometimes wonder if there's a sign along the way that I've missed.  Am I on the right course still?  Did I miss my exit back there?  Is it too late to find another route?

There's no GPS system for our lives.
savage25: (Beer)
 Guinness is good for you... but so is exercise and good food.

I need to make a change... I know, I know... it's one of those things that we always say... but seriously, you have to pick a day to do it... and today is just as good as any day.

I haven't been getting "as drunk" as I used to a few years ago.  (OK, so as I have a few months ago.)  (OK, hush little voice... as I have a few weeks ago...)  And I feel like I've been eating a little bit better (very little bit).  But things must change...

I have an appointment later today with a trainer at the gym.  I "joined" last week (my company offers membership, which rocks big-time)... but haven't been able to get myself to actually go there.  This meeting with the trainer will force me in to the place.  Also, several coworkers play racket-ball every Thursday night, so I'm going to play with them.

I took a look back to when I first started this journal a couple years ago and I was just starting at the gym back then.  My second entry was about joining the gym... that was Sept 2004 -- almost exactly three years ago.  Good lord!!  I've put on probably 50 or more pounds since then.

Whats also funny: my comments about the locker room.  Back then one of the reasons for joining was the "eye candy" in the locker room... now, that's kind of one of the reasons I'm nervous about starting back up.  I haven't been there in so long I'm afraid I might "get caught looking" or "get inappropriately stiff" or something there... I forget "how to act" in the locker room... plus not being single, I almost feel like I'm cheating or something... I know, it all sounds so stupid when I put it in words, doesn't it... *sigh* but that's the feelings in my crazy little noggin.

Well... wish me luck... I hope my blood pressure isn't so high that the trainer refuses to work with me.  Last time that happened and I felt all embarrassed and upset... she told me I needed a doctor's note.  (I tried to find that entry, but can't locate it right now.)  I feel like if she does that again this year I may end up just leaving and not going back.


Sep. 24th, 2007 12:39 am
savage25: (Fall)

Autumn is finally here...

Thank you god!  (Or, should I say, thank you Mother Earth!)

All I can say is that I can't wait for this summer to fall away like the changing leaves.  I'm so over it.  It was fun, it was crappy, it was exciting, it was boring... it just was...

Bring on the next season... I'm ready for something new.

savage25: (Contemplative)
You know what's interesting... I've been feeling like writing in my journal lately... and that usually doesn't mean much good lately... Seems like all I ever write anymore is woe and troubles... where's the whim and fun? *sigh*

Well... I've been an emotional crap-house for the past couple weeks it seems. And honestly, I think the main reasons are financial pressures and post-vacation-blues... There were three vacations back-to-back (four if you count the week of Musikfest)... which were great... but which made my financials go into red, made my work-load at work mount to heights that make me want to cry, and I have no more vacations planned for (nothing to look forward to)...

I finished "reading" Harry Potter last night... and almost broke down into tears... but then I cut the grass... the physical labor was nice. God I sound like a basket case, don't I?

OK... so that's me... emotional basket case... fun
savage25: (Default)
Well... they found the car...
They actually found it last night... but didn't call us... grrr...
The insurance company actually let us know first. They called to tell Barry "Congratulations!" and he was like "What?!?" So we called the Police and sure enough they confirmed that they had found it. And that it would be held in the pound until it could be processed for fingerprints... and would most likely be released to us on Tuesday. They said there was "front-end damage" but would not (could not) elaborate any further. UGH!! It's crazy...
It was found locally... but we still have no clue as to anything about it... or who took it or why or anything... And we have no idea what we're really in-store for when it gets back.

I'm happy it's found because I feel like it will help with closure on the whole thing... but I'm not sure if I'm 100% OK with it because it may always feel "damaged" to us now... ...we'll see.
savage25: (Default)
OK... so wow... I haven't posted (or read) LJ since mid December... and that was just to grumble about the fact that Winterfest was no-more. So really, I've been out of the loop for almost three months now...
Work has been so busy for me since November... and being that the only time I really read/update LJ is during work hours: hence why I've been out of touch... Here's a quick recap of the last three months:

Work: very busy times... creating huge updates / redesigns to my web time/project tracking system... no time to breath really...
We moved to a new building in mid-December. The new place is really nice. Commute increased from 1-mile/5-minutes to 7-miles/20-minutes. *sigh* Oh well... It was "rough" at first... but totally used to it now and seriously, it's nothing to grumble about.

Thanksgiving was nice... my sister hosted and Barry and I helped with cooking and all.

Holiday Party with [ profile] labelsdc at the start of December was fun.

Got our new living room furniture... HUGE set, but really nice.

Got a real Xmas tree on Dec 9th... Was so nice to go "tree hunting" at the farm and actually saw the tree down myself. Marea and Chris joined me and housemates Ken & Don for the hunt. Marea and Chris also got their tree. It was nice... only thing that would have made it better would have been some snow on the ground and Barry to be there with us.
(Pictures of tree and living room to follow shortly.)

That night, had a good time at Bill & Jerry's annual wine-tasting party. Got snookered. :)

Annual tree-trimming party at Brian's was fun... drink a beer and hang it on the tree. What a great concept... my only concern is: after a few weeks, does the tree start to smell of rotten beer?

Got to visit campground on the 16th... weren't going to do any parties that night, but then decided at last minute to stay at hotel with Ken & Don and go to Pat's Holiday Party. Was fun... drank a lot... The next morning, our drive home wasn't so "fun"... but we made it and recovered over the next two days. :)

Christmas gift shopping went rather well... Barry and I got out several nights and managed to get everything we wanted to get. Spent one evening at Tara's getting some pearls for several of the girls on our lists (family/friends). (I helped her with her website... check it out: Perennial Designs Jewelry.)

Fantasy Football: I lost... darn... so close though... I was doing well, then really bad... then I started to do better... but it was too late... *sigh* Oh well... at least the dinner and cooking part was all done on one night and was rather fun... Todd's new house was really nice and got to play "Wii" as well, which was interesting/fun.

Christmas was very nice... I went to my traditional dinner at Grandmother N's house. That was nice to do... Barry didn't go, as we still aren't technically "out" with that side of the family yet... but I have a feeling that won't be the case for much longer... Barry's been included on my parent's xmas-card-letter for the last two years. And was in the picture they sent to all the family too this year. :) Christmas morning was at my sister's house... she being pregnant (due in March), she didn't want to travel, so all of the family (including my brother) came to her. It was such a nice day: three hours of present opening -- we take turns and really cherish each gift. Took a breakfast intermission to eat "Cheese Strata" that Barry and I made (YUM, new tradition?)... I spent the most of the day putting together my nephew's "Kenex Roller Coaster" -- It was like a big puzzle or like playing with an erector set or legos... FUN!
(Speaking of Christmas Card Letters: Once again I did not send any cards this year... I'm such a slacker... this is the second year in a row without sending any letters... *grrr* I'm so mad at myself... and yet, have I done anything to correct the situation? no... *sigh*)

New Years: Barry and I went to spend the weekend with Frank & David (our neighbors at The Woods). It was such a fun weekend. They hosted us in their beautiful house in NJ. They drove us into New York on Saturday evening... we drove around in their convertible (through China Town and Little Italy, top-down, freezing weather, bundled-up in blankets and earmuffs, playing loud music, people looking at us like we were a bunch of fags out on the town... which we totally were... it was so much fun!)... then we walked around the village and had some drinks... the two of them are very familiar with the gay bars and places to go/see in the city, so I felt very comfortable and it was SO NICE to be in the city again. (Oh how I've missed the city...) We went to see "Drowsy Chaperone" on Broadway and had front-row mezz seats... it was AWESOME! Then went back to the village to hang out and drink until wee-hours of the morning... and flirt with a bunch of cuties...
Sunday (New Years Eve), we slept in and then helped them prepare for their dinner party that night... they hosted a "murder mystery" party. I was "Mary Kay Eternity" -- in drag, I was the wife of Barry (who played "Jim Bob Eternity") -- we were a TV-evangelist-couple from the south (think Tammy Fae Baker)... very fun... wonderful dinner and lots of champagne...
The following day we recovered from our hangovers and just lounged around.
(Pictures of this also to follow soon...)

January was pretty uneventful... just lots of work, rolling out my system changes to the department, including training all 140 associates in the enhancements.

Barry and I got an SUV (replacing his car) on Jan 24... We got a Toyota FJ Cruiser. It's SO awesome... We totally love it. 4WD and high-clearance... it's going to be so cool to have for the summer going up to camp... and for the winter snow... and just in general it's so cool... :)

Last week (Jan 27 - Feb 3), Barry and I went to Breckenridge, Colorado with a big skiing group. Being that I've always wanted to go skiing out-West... when Matt and Tara suggested that we go with this group that they have gone with a couple times in the past, I jumped at the chance. Barry was looking forward to just getting-away for the week even though he doesn't ski, he figured he could sit in the condo by the fire and relax. It was a great week away from things and I got some good skiing in. At first I was disappointed at the conditions, but then we got about a foot of snow on Wednesday and we went to Vail that day... it was the most amazing riding I've ever done (I'm a snowboarder)... That's what I went out-west expecting. It was great. Barry hurt his knee on the first day, which made it difficult for him to enjoy his time, but we managed to go out around the town one day and go out to eat a couple times. He also cooked a big spaghetti dinner for a group of 10 of us the one night. All-in-all it was a fun time. I'm not sure if I would go out-West for skiing again and may just stick to Vermont for my "big snow"... but who knows... perhaps another ski trip is in my future.

Back to work today... and it's actually been a rather slow day... I caught up on my emails, and thankfully nothing pressing or urgent came-up while I was away. Nothing was planned for today so that I could use the day to catch-up... so I actually had some time to post this. YEAH!

One final note: Barry left his job this afternoon... they really dicked him over -- for the last time! I'm so glad he walked... They gave him a bad annual review... and he works SO DAMN hard for them... they had no right to do that. He stood his ground and told them it was unacceptable to get that kind of rating. They really dicked him over about a raise and promotion several months ago... and things have been going so bad for him there since then... and I've told him several times that the stress of that place isn't worth it... But he kept giving them his best and giving them more chances... today was the final straw, and I'm glad he stood his ground... it's the principle of the whole thing... he handed them an immediate resignation and walked out. On one hand, yes, I'm nervous... with only one salary we're going to have to tighten our belts a little and live a bit less extravagantly... but on the other hand, I'm really happy because perhaps it's a blessing in disguise... A chance for him to start new and fresh somewhere and not have this horrible stress that place was giving him. And also... haven't you always wanted to say "take this job and shove it"? Imagine: he actually got to do that today. *cool*

So that's a wrap-up of the last three months... ending on a pretty big note...
Over the next couple days I'll catch-up on some of my LJ friend's journals... so don't be surprised if you get a response to a post from months ago. :)
*hugs everyone*
savage25: (Default)
Took off last Thursday and Friday to spend an extra-long weekend with my honey (aka Barry)... Thursday was his 40th birthday... he didn't want to make a big deal over it, and I knew I needed to let him celebrate it how he wanted -- but difficulty was trying to come to the conclusion / decision of what he wanted... Original plans were for a big trip somewhere, which turned into getting an SUV, which turned into nothing... which I wasn't about to have... so it turned into us spending four days together in stress-free relaxation at home. And shopping for TVs... and living room furniture... to make our house more "our home"...

It really was a very nice weekend... and we enjoyed each other's company immensely. Turning 40 for Barry wasn't a major thing -- at least he didn't give an impression as-such... I think he liked it that way... in-fact, I think the fact that no one bothered him or made a big deal out of it was exactly the way he wanted it.
(Please note, that being said, for my 40th [in 6 years], I want huge celebrations and a big trip... At least, that's how I feel now, LOL! We'll see how I feel in 6 years.)

So, we did go shopping and looked at a lot of High-Def TVs... and learned all kinds of things about them... and came to our decision -- and actually ordered it online (Amazon had cheapest price by-far [over $600 cheaper than anywhere else, including brick-and-mortar stores]). So here's Barry's birthday present:
Samsung LNS4692D 46" LCD HDTV
Samsung LNS4692D 46

It's arriving this Friday... OMG I can't wait. (Yes, I admit, his gift is partially mine to enjoy... but seriously, it's for him...)

Also arriving this Friday... our new living room furniture... a large sectional...
Lane South Beach Fabric Sectional
Lane South Beach Fabric Sectional
(No, we aren't getting the exact configuration shown... but it's that product... we're getting the reclining-armed-ends, two reclining-middles, and the two corner wedges.)

We also got new curtains -- with a "Moroccan" style to them (gold and navy blue)... very nice... Living room may be done soon... we just need to put in the wood (pergo) flooring...

OK... so that's the latest home update... Work is going OK... except my boss is still getting on my nerves with his "lack of interest" in my work... and things are starting to build-up here and I've been putting them off (like I always seem to do)... and pretty-soon "D-DAY" is going to arrive and I'm going to be a stressed little puppy...

But with that TV and sectional to come home to... I think I can deal with a little stress. ;)
savage25: (Contemplative)
Last night, Barry and I went out with Ken & Don for dinner... and drinks... and ended up at Diamonz (local gay bar)... Sang karaoke and drank way too much beer... my head is hurting BIG TIME today... UGH! And I had to wake up early and get in around 8am to meet with my boss... My day has been flying by (thankfully)... but I've still got a pounding headache and upset stomach... and just can't wait to get out of here. I bet the other guys were feeling it this morning too... *sigh*

So things here at work with my software are starting to get more intense... the recent changes had me worried that my job might go away... but definitely turning in the other direction now: they are going to cause a lot more work for me. Which on one hand is a very good thing... but on the other hand, I'm really not sure I'm ready for this. My new boss has a very different way of working... and in order for things to happen now I've really got to step-up and take charge of things. I've got to make some drastic changes and figure out how and what is going to happen... and I'm not feeling very confident in myself... It's going to be a big learning/growing experience for me over the next few months. I feel it... I'm at one of those "turning points" in my life... a point which is going to change me and what I do... I'm not sure I'm ready for it... but the snowball is already rolling down the hill and I can't stop it...
savage25: (Default)
Just saw Paris Hilton's video "Nothing in this World"... and for some reason it totally inspired me to make a journal entry. (Rambling deep thoughts...)

So in this video, a poor kid (aka dork) is getting bullied in school... but dreams of Paris Hilton being his girl... and then one day she moves in next to him... and he asks if she'll go to the school with him... and she does... and everyone's jaw drops... yada, yada, yada...
Cheesy, I know... but somehow... gave me the chills... and was just totally cute!
And they flashed the words "Dare to Dream"... what a great journal entry I thought.
Dork that I am... I still dare to dream.
I think sometimes (quite a bit recently) I think that I can't dream anymore... and that my old dreams are just never going to come true...
but then... sometimes... I think that perhaps my dreams have just changed... and that's OK.
But... the problem is when I don't dream anymore... or feel I can't...
that loss of hope... you know what I mean?
But there is hope, and there are dreams...
just lots of new dreams...
so don't get hung up on your old dreams... just because they were old dreams that may not have happened...
make up some new dreams...
just don't stop dreaming.

I've been distant from LJ for a while... There's several factors as-to why... some good, some not-so-good, and some just-because I'm busy... But I'm going to spend a few minutes catching-up on some LJ friends dreams now...
savage25: (Contemplative)
Well... once again I'm faced with the possibility of my job going away. Cut, cause it's a ramble )

I don't know... new laptop, new dept, new team, new manager, and moving to a new building -- all adds up to a lot of changes... and that makes me unsettled... nervous...
savage25: (Default)
*phew*... *yawn*... *stretch*... What a weekend! Holy crap... I feel worn-out.

This weekend, a whole crew from Scranton area came... old Scouting friends and family... Sean, Jen, Morgan; Chris; Bob; Brenda, John, two friends; Marty, JoAnn; Helen, Les; Shawn, Delena, two friends; Dale, Ellie, Tiffany. And there were others too: David and his partner Gary came up from Florida. And then, I also hosted Robyn, Sean, Kim, and Carolyn at the house. And then there were tons of other misc friends and family out-and-about all weekend randomly meeting-up at the festival. It was quite a big weekend for me social and energizing and fun... But also I'm out of shape... and can't keep-up with the activity like I used to.

Friday night started with 18 of us (from the "Scranton Crew") eating at Bucca de Beppo... in the "Pope Room" :) So much fun. Helen brought a large bottle of Goldschlager and dixie-cups... LOL! Yes... we did our own shots around the table... jeez... so "sneaky" LOL! But so much fun...
After that I went out with friends at the Brew Works and closed the place... and hot-tubbed with Kim in a friend's backyard... and 20-piece McNuggets... at 3am... and up the next morning at 9 to party all day long... Well... I lasted about half the day before I needed a nap... and then continued the festing. Most everyone pooped-out early... including myself... so we got our nuggets early (1am) and just went to bed.

This morning I woke up early (9am) to join the "Scranton Crew" for breakfast at their hotel and then joined the remaining of them for lunch at the festival. Kim and I are now sitting here in the condo... enjoying the air conditioning, watching videos on TV and uTube... and just chatting. Reminiscing about "the good ol days" when Musikfest was a 10-day orgy of beer drinking and partying. Why is it that we can't last like we used to? Is it that we're getting old, we're out-of-practice, or is it the festival -- has it gotten commercialized and the bands aren't as fun? Or is it just a combination of a lot of things? I guess it's one of those things that time just changes... There's no going back... reminiscing is nice... but there's a point to which we've got to let them go to make room for new memories and fun.

So being a bit nostolgic right now... and sitting here relaxing... recovering from the weekend... taking a bit longer for me to recover anymore...
I can't wait for Celtic Classic...

But for right now... I also can't wait to take a nap. ;)
savage25: (Builder Bob)
*phew* It's done... the deck is complete!
I was surprised at how quickly it came together and how well it turned out. I guess, you could say, I impressed myself.
You see, the deck was definitely not done entirely by me... I had a lot of great help! and it couldn't have been done without everyone's help... but the deck was designed and ordered by me with input from Barry... and it turned out exactly like we wanted... It's so cool to have taken-on a project of this size (12ft x 28ft!) and have it come to completion through your own blood, sweat, and tears. (Yes, there was a little blood, a few tears, and a whole-lot of sweat... ;)

Pictures! Click through to the gallery to see more pictures from the three weekends.

Weekend 1: Front deck joists are finished, temporary decking to allow access to camper

Weekend 2: A view of the entire length of the deck, note the temporary step in front

Weekend 3: Paul standing on the front deck (with celebratory champagne in-hand)

savage25: (Contemplative)
I haven't been very "posty"... Don't get me wrong, a lot of things have run through my head lately that I said, "Uuu, I should post that"... but they were generally little things and by the time I got to the computer I'd forgotten all about them.

Been pretty busy at work too, so that's always a hindrance to posting... darn work... jeez! It's not like they pay me or anything. Oh... wait... yes, they do. Doh!

This past weekend at camp we were able to all-but finish the deck on our trailer. It's AWESOME! I have some pictures... but I haven't loaded them off my camera yet... *sigh* coming soon...

It was supposed to be a hot and sunny weekend... Saturday it rained... no, it poured! virtually all day. That really made it difficult to work on the deck -- but we managed to still work on the part under the awning during the rain... and made-up a lot of time on Sunday. We had Chuck and Jay up to help all weekend too and they were a big help. Along with some other friends that stopped by to help out (like Dawn, Helen, Scott, Ken, Don).

It's been so HOT the past couple days... up into three-digits... and high humidity. Thank god for air-conditioning! So hot... but honestly, I'm not complaining. I mean, if it weren't for the sweat pouring off my face, I would be totally fine with it. I hate walking in and being all sweaty in my work clothes... once I'm done with work I could care less about all the heat.

I love having four seasons. (You take the good, you take the bad... You take em both and there you have...)

In other news... Barry is going to see the surgeon today for a consultation on his knee. Hopefully it goes well, and the surgery will be "quick and easy", and he'll be back on his feet in no time. (Literally: back on his feet.) I hate seeing him in so much pain.

I have my appointment today with the therapist... I'm actually a little nervous... I hope it goes OK... For those of you hearing about this for the first time right now, I made an appointment with a counselor... in the recent past I was overwhelmed with feelings of being caged-in and not being able to express myself or figure out what I need to do in my life... and they've been suppressed now for the last month or so... and I feel better... on the surface... but a little voice has been inside me saying "something is not right and you need to work this out or you will never truly be happy again"... So I'm going for some third-party advice on how to handle the stress I'm feeling from work, the relationship, and life in general. I just told Barry last night... I need him to be a partner in my healing... Don't know why it took me so long to tell him... (ashamed, nervous, worried? yes... all of the above I guess.)

For those who already knew, thanks for the support thus-far. I hope we both heal quickly (his knee / my brain)... wish us luck.
savage25: (Fix It)
Late on a Monday night... evening wrapping up and just thinking about heading to bed. It's so funny that on weekends at camp I'm passing out at 10/11pm and actually feeling tired... while, now, when I SHOULD be going to bed, I'm sitting here kind-of restless. I can only assume that it's because I'm sedentary all day sitting at my PC, while at camp we've been working all day long doing things around the site and staying active. (It would also explain why I'm sore. ;)

We really got a lot more stuff done this weekend. Including finalizing our plans for the guest-house and deck. However, we just decided tonight that we aren't going to build the guest-house this year... for a couple reasons, the two main reasons being money and usage -- we can't justify the cost of building it (both $$ and time/labor) for the usage that it would get. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have company and guests stay at our site... but $5000+ is a bit much to spend... especially when we're still paying off the camper and the new bathroom downstairs. I'm thinking next year, and we'll be able to focus on it a bit more so that we can probably save some money (build more ourselves). The deck will be our only project for this year... I'm going to try and keep the momentum going, cause I know that if Barry and I sit back and say "OK, looks good, let's do it next week" it will end up being the week-after-never... we both work better with deadlines.

Other things at camp are going well... we just need to get out and visit people yet... we've been so busy with our own site that I'm forgetting what the rest of the campground looks like. LOL.
savage25: (Default)
Eeek... it's been over a week since I posted... so much is going on it's running me crazy and starting to feel that "all too familiar" overwhelmed feeling. Jeez...

Halloween Closing weekend at camp went really well. It was a fun evening helping out in the "Haunted Pavilion" for the camp... I sat in a room and was "forced" to watch straight porn all night (the theme of the scary-walk was "Homo Treatment Center" where they tried to de-gay people in scary ways, including cutting it out of their brains, and [in my case] forcing them to watch titties [blech!])... LOL! Barry scared people walking around the lake... Everyone had a good time. Costume party was full of a lot of amazing costumes. My costume: I wore a black witch's hat and doctor's scrubs... I was a witch doctor... get it?? LOL... no one else really got it either until I explained it... I guess I go for the more "cerebral" costumes... LOL... I hope someone emails me pictures cause I didn't have my camera.

Move Things are still kinda crazy with the move... so many plans and nothing being done... Lee has not moved his stuff out of the condo yet... I'd say about half his stuff is still there... and it's a mess... If not out soon I think the boys (Ken & Don) are going to just throw it out on the lawn... they are itching to paint and move in... I don't blame them... and I don't feel that we owe anything to Lee since he wasn't keeping up with his rent.

Condo Improvements Current plans are to build a full bathroom downstairs for K&D... which is great... and will improve the condo value... and I found out that if we include a closet in the design then it will add a "bedroom" to the unit... making the current "3-BR, 1.5 Bath" into a "4-BR, 2.5 Bath"... I think that will increase the value big-time! Now, the only problem is... actually building it... How, who, when, where, how... I'm handy with tools and all, but there's no way I'm going to attempt something like this... Barry had a great idea this morning to look into local vo-tech schools to see if students want "practice" to do it?

Trip Only moderately excited about the trip this weekend... I don't think it has hit me yet... there's so much going on that I haven't had time to get excited about it. Plus I'm nervous because we are really "winging it" for the most part... which is nice, but I've never "winged it" on a trip with Barry before... actually, this will be our first vacation together alone... we traveled with my family before, but this one is just us. We have the hotel rooms and the car... so that's the big things I guess... how we fill the days is what is unknown... I guess I'm worried that it will be "wasted" or something... like if we don't see everything or something... which is crazy, I know... but for a planning person... it's not easy to let go and just "visit whatever we find along the way". I've traveled with Amy in Ireland that way and it was amazing... so I guess I need to just keep that in mind and enjoy the trip. And remember too that it's a trip... away from the stress and frustrations of work and the move. Yay!

That's the quick recap... Work is very busy... I have a lot to do... a lot to get done before I leave for a week... I'm stressed... I need to get into work now and stop dilly-dallying around here at the house... But I needed to update my journal... it was lacking updates for so long.
savage25: (Contemplative)
Barry and I went out for dinner at the Colonial House. Had a good dinner... and several beers... and played some MegaTouch...
Got home around 10pm... and I wasn't tired... I'm still not tired... it's midnight...

I've actually been working for the last two hours... Yes... actual work... I mean, OK, so I'm geekily impressed with myself for something that I did today at work (created the basis for a method to import tab-delimited text into the database via a web user interface)... I created it really quick too, like in just a few hours at the end of the day. Well, it's not perfect yet, and so that's what I was playing with for about an hour or so. I noticed while I was testing and playing with it that my server was running really slow... so I started to investigate and found that the server had a runaway process on it. (I think I caused it earlier in the day by possibly creating a continuous-loop in one of my test pages... oops) Well, anyway, so the nightly reports weren't running. So I rebooted the computer and kicked off the reports again. I'm really glad / lucky that I found that tonight... because if the users found it on Monday morning, I would have had some ugly messages for me to start my week.

I'm still not tired at all... I don't want to be up all night doing nothing... but I also don't really feel like going to bed... but I don't want to do anything... it's a weird feeling...

I don't feel settled in my life... it's a weird feeling...

My allergies / cold / poison ivy (which is what I think these itchy dots are all over my body, either that or chicken pox -- which they can't be because I had them already and they really don't fit the description)... anyway... I don't feel healthy really... for the past two months or so? I'm looking forward to my doctor appointment on Tuesday. (Yes, I actually made an appointment this past Tuesday.)

Everything is just a little weird... off-balance... fighting between two sides but the sides aren't defined...

This is a late-night-stream-of-conscious post... but sometimes those are good to get things out of my head so I can rest.

I'm looking forward to finding balance in my life...

Perhaps seeing a medical doctor is not the only doctor I need to see... I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone in my life anymore because everyone is connected to everyone and everyone has feelings about this-and-that and no one is really seeing the whole picture... including myself. I see things the way I want to see them when I see them and the next time I see them they are completely different.


After a post like this... it's amazing to think that I just spent two hours doing really technical / geeky stuff.
savage25: (Sleep)
A) Tired... so tired... so tired, that I think I need to consult a doctor about it. When is it that you should see someone professional? I think things are pretty bad when you almost fall asleep while your boss is talking to you one-on-one. Thankfully, I don't think she noticed... hopefully it just looked like I had something in my eyes and that my neck gave-way a little. It's not from lack of sleep, I had a full 8 hours last night.

B) Work... stress... a little bit stressed... there's a bunch of changes that they want me to do, but I can't get motivated to do them. I know that I should be happy with the changes, because it is making my tool more effective and useful and important to the company... but I just feel like I'm going to invest all this time and energy into it and that they won't use it. That has happened too many times in the past couple years and I'm getting sick of it. I always feel so "used" when something like that happens (I bust my butt for someone else only to have them turn around afterward and say "That was great, but we really don't need it now").

C) Party... party socialite... Everyone wants to go out and do stuff... I want to sit at home and watch TV. Am I changing? Am I getting old? Am I getting involved in a relationship and that's what's changing me? Do I need to force myself to keep going out? Feeling pulled in different directions...

D) Phone... changes... new cell... New cell phone is great... I canceled my old account today... very sad... I was with T-Mobile since 1997. I have no true reason to have stayed with them, but it was still sad to tell them I don't want their service anymore. I'm nervous because I don't know all the hidden snags that Cingular is going to throw at me... I've heard horror stories at work already from a coworker about all kinds of things they will try to get me to pay for (like internet and sounds and double billing minutes etc). I hope it all works out OK. At least I have minutes... Goodbye T-Mobile... hello Cingular.


savage25: (Default)

January 2009



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