Well, if you haven't already guessed by now, I haven't been active on LiveJournal for a long while. 22-weeks since my last update. My "paid account" expired yesterday, and I've made the decision to not renew.

LiveJournal was a great way of expressing myself and meeting new people over the past 5 years. I've found a new way of expressing myself and connecting with friends and family: "Facebook"


I won't be deleting my journal... just not going to be keeping it updated, or even pretend that I'm still active in it now.

I have lots of great memories and friends from LJ:
bassbear - a cutie and his student quotes-of-the-day were always great to read
bearpawly - his coming-out and many of his great entries have deeply affected me
bigfundrew - his humor and family are so much a part of him and it shows (now on Facebook too)
jkusters - always there to listen and give a hug (now on Facebook too)
kev_bot - so smart and witty, truly an amazing guy (now on Facebook too)
labelsdc - this fashionista and I are life-long friends now (now on Facebook too)
shadowbearmn - the cats and humor and wit, and thanks for the pokes
texaspenguin - he made it through medical school and kept his smile
thepup & cactusbear - so great to meet these guys in AZ, so much fun!
thereisnofear - the sexxy, fun, and talented Kendall

If I haven't already, someday I hope to meet all of you in-person. I'll keep an eye out for you, and if you're on Facebook, be sure to "friend me".

[Edit: I just read through a bunch of friends posts. Facebook isn't the same... I do admit to missing LJ... reading & writing the entries here is much more creative... but... it also takes more time to read / write than a one-line status. Work has been busy, priorities change, etc.]

Have you ever seen a squirrel run out into the road in-front of you... he gets more than halfway across and then sees you coming, panics, and runs back in-front of you.  And you think "Stupid little creature!"

Don't be so quick to judge...  I think we do this sometimes in our own lives.

"Huh?" you ask? ... This happened on my way into work this morning... but after my initial "Stupid little creature, keep going!" scream while braking quickly to avoid him, I asked myself "Why would he do that?!" and think I realized something... 

Perhaps he was turning back to what he "knew" rather than take the chance on the "unknown"... 

I mean, halfway across and suddenly this car comes flying at him.  Panic!  OMG, what do I do?!  Do I turn back and go the way I just came because I know I can make it and I know how far it is and I know it's safe back over there?  OR, do I keep moving forward without truly knowing how much further there is to go and not knowing if the other side of the road is as safe or as good a destination as I hope it is?

Life is like that sometimes.

How often have I been working toward a goal, only to have some conflict come along or hit a stumbling point at which I panic and turn back.  Abandoning my quest to return to what "I know" rather than what "I want".

I'm not saying the other side of the road is always a better destination... but wouldn't it be great to have a "driver's view" of our lives and see if we're more than halfway to our goals or not?  To have the omnipotent knowledge that we're almost there if we just keep going?  

Sometimes what we think is the easier path, truly isn't.  

Alas, the squirrel doesn't understand us when we yell, "Keep going, stupid creature!"  Perhaps there is a voice out there yelling at us too, but we just can't understand... or, aren't we listening?

 Guinness is good for you... but so is exercise and good food.

I need to make a change... I know, I know... it's one of those things that we always say... but seriously, you have to pick a day to do it... and today is just as good as any day.

I haven't been getting "as drunk" as I used to a few years ago.  (OK, so as I have a few months ago.)  (OK, hush little voice... as I have a few weeks ago...)  And I feel like I've been eating a little bit better (very little bit).  But things must change...

I have an appointment later today with a trainer at the gym.  I "joined" last week (my company offers membership, which rocks big-time)... but haven't been able to get myself to actually go there.  This meeting with the trainer will force me in to the place.  Also, several coworkers play racket-ball every Thursday night, so I'm going to play with them.

I took a look back to when I first started this journal a couple years ago and I was just starting at the gym back then.  My second entry was about joining the gym... that was Sept 2004 -- almost exactly three years ago.  Good lord!!  I've put on probably 50 or more pounds since then.

Whats also funny: my comments about the locker room.  Back then one of the reasons for joining was the "eye candy" in the locker room... now, that's kind of one of the reasons I'm nervous about starting back up.  I haven't been there in so long I'm afraid I might "get caught looking" or "get inappropriately stiff" or something there... I forget "how to act" in the locker room... plus not being single, I almost feel like I'm cheating or something... I know, it all sounds so stupid when I put it in words, doesn't it... *sigh* but that's the feelings in my crazy little noggin.

Well... wish me luck... I hope my blood pressure isn't so high that the trainer refuses to work with me.  Last time that happened and I felt all embarrassed and upset... she told me I needed a doctor's note.  (I tried to find that entry, but can't locate it right now.)  I feel like if she does that again this year I may end up just leaving and not going back.

You know what's interesting... I've been feeling like writing in my journal lately... and that usually doesn't mean much good lately... Seems like all I ever write anymore is woe and troubles... where's the whim and fun? *sigh*

Well... I've been an emotional crap-house for the past couple weeks it seems. And honestly, I think the main reasons are financial pressures and post-vacation-blues... There were three vacations back-to-back (four if you count the week of Musikfest)... which were great... but which made my financials go into red, made my work-load at work mount to heights that make me want to cry, and I have no more vacations planned for (nothing to look forward to)...

I finished "reading" Harry Potter last night... and almost broke down into tears... but then I cut the grass... the physical labor was nice. God I sound like a basket case, don't I?

OK... so that's me... emotional basket case... fun

OK... so wow... I haven't posted (or read) LJ since mid December... and that was just to grumble about the fact that Winterfest was no-more. So really, I've been out of the loop for almost three months now...
Work has been so busy for me since November... and being that the only time I really read/update LJ is during work hours: hence why I've been out of touch... Here's a quick recap of the last three months:

Work: very busy times... creating huge updates / redesigns to my web time/project tracking system... no time to breath really...
We moved to a new building in mid-December. The new place is really nice. Commute increased from 1-mile/5-minutes to 7-miles/20-minutes. *sigh* Oh well... It was "rough" at first... but totally used to it now and seriously, it's nothing to grumble about.

Thanksgiving was nice... my sister hosted and Barry and I helped with cooking and all.

Holiday Party with labelsdc at the start of December was fun.

Got our new living room furniture... HUGE set, but really nice.

Got a real Xmas tree on Dec 9th... Was so nice to go "tree hunting" at the farm and actually saw the tree down myself. Marea and Chris joined me and housemates Ken & Don for the hunt. Marea and Chris also got their tree. It was nice... only thing that would have made it better would have been some snow on the ground and Barry to be there with us.
(Pictures of tree and living room to follow shortly.)

That night, had a good time at Bill & Jerry's annual wine-tasting party. Got snookered. :)

Annual tree-trimming party at Brian's was fun... drink a beer and hang it on the tree. What a great concept... my only concern is: after a few weeks, does the tree start to smell of rotten beer?

Got to visit campground on the 16th... weren't going to do any parties that night, but then decided at last minute to stay at hotel with Ken & Don and go to Pat's Holiday Party. Was fun... drank a lot... The next morning, our drive home wasn't so "fun"... but we made it and recovered over the next two days. :)

Christmas gift shopping went rather well... Barry and I got out several nights and managed to get everything we wanted to get. Spent one evening at Tara's getting some pearls for several of the girls on our lists (family/friends). (I helped her with her website... check it out: Perennial Designs Jewelry.)

Fantasy Football: I lost... darn... so close though... I was doing well, then really bad... then I started to do better... but it was too late... *sigh* Oh well... at least the dinner and cooking part was all done on one night and was rather fun... Todd's new house was really nice and got to play "Wii" as well, which was interesting/fun.

Christmas was very nice... I went to my traditional dinner at Grandmother N's house. That was nice to do... Barry didn't go, as we still aren't technically "out" with that side of the family yet... but I have a feeling that won't be the case for much longer... Barry's been included on my parent's xmas-card-letter for the last two years. And was in the picture they sent to all the family too this year. :) Christmas morning was at my sister's house... she being pregnant (due in March), she didn't want to travel, so all of the family (including my brother) came to her. It was such a nice day: three hours of present opening -- we take turns and really cherish each gift. Took a breakfast intermission to eat "Cheese Strata" that Barry and I made (YUM, new tradition?)... I spent the most of the day putting together my nephew's "Kenex Roller Coaster" -- It was like a big puzzle or like playing with an erector set or legos... FUN!
(Speaking of Christmas Card Letters: Once again I did not send any cards this year... I'm such a slacker... this is the second year in a row without sending any letters... *grrr* I'm so mad at myself... and yet, have I done anything to correct the situation? no... *sigh*)

New Years: Barry and I went to spend the weekend with Frank & David (our neighbors at The Woods). It was such a fun weekend. They hosted us in their beautiful house in NJ. They drove us into New York on Saturday evening... we drove around in their convertible (through China Town and Little Italy, top-down, freezing weather, bundled-up in blankets and earmuffs, playing loud music, people looking at us like we were a bunch of fags out on the town... which we totally were... it was so much fun!)... then we walked around the village and had some drinks... the two of them are very familiar with the gay bars and places to go/see in the city, so I felt very comfortable and it was SO NICE to be in the city again. (Oh how I've missed the city...) We went to see "Drowsy Chaperone" on Broadway and had front-row mezz seats... it was AWESOME! Then went back to the village to hang out and drink until wee-hours of the morning... and flirt with a bunch of cuties...
Sunday (New Years Eve), we slept in and then helped them prepare for their dinner party that night... they hosted a "murder mystery" party. I was "Mary Kay Eternity" -- in drag, I was the wife of Barry (who played "Jim Bob Eternity") -- we were a TV-evangelist-couple from the south (think Tammy Fae Baker)... very fun... wonderful dinner and lots of champagne...
The following day we recovered from our hangovers and just lounged around.
(Pictures of this also to follow soon...)

January was pretty uneventful... just lots of work, rolling out my system changes to the department, including training all 140 associates in the enhancements.

Barry and I got an SUV (replacing his car) on Jan 24... We got a Toyota FJ Cruiser. It's SO awesome... We totally love it. 4WD and high-clearance... it's going to be so cool to have for the summer going up to camp... and for the winter snow... and just in general it's so cool... :)

Last week (Jan 27 - Feb 3), Barry and I went to Breckenridge, Colorado with a big skiing group. Being that I've always wanted to go skiing out-West... when Matt and Tara suggested that we go with this group that they have gone with a couple times in the past, I jumped at the chance. Barry was looking forward to just getting-away for the week even though he doesn't ski, he figured he could sit in the condo by the fire and relax. It was a great week away from things and I got some good skiing in. At first I was disappointed at the conditions, but then we got about a foot of snow on Wednesday and we went to Vail that day... it was the most amazing riding I've ever done (I'm a snowboarder)... That's what I went out-west expecting. It was great. Barry hurt his knee on the first day, which made it difficult for him to enjoy his time, but we managed to go out around the town one day and go out to eat a couple times. He also cooked a big spaghetti dinner for a group of 10 of us the one night. All-in-all it was a fun time. I'm not sure if I would go out-West for skiing again and may just stick to Vermont for my "big snow"... but who knows... perhaps another ski trip is in my future.

Back to work today... and it's actually been a rather slow day... I caught up on my emails, and thankfully nothing pressing or urgent came-up while I was away. Nothing was planned for today so that I could use the day to catch-up... so I actually had some time to post this. YEAH!

One final note: Barry left his job this afternoon... they really dicked him over -- for the last time! I'm so glad he walked... They gave him a bad annual review... and he works SO DAMN hard for them... they had no right to do that. He stood his ground and told them it was unacceptable to get that kind of rating. They really dicked him over about a raise and promotion several months ago... and things have been going so bad for him there since then... and I've told him several times that the stress of that place isn't worth it... But he kept giving them his best and giving them more chances... today was the final straw, and I'm glad he stood his ground... it's the principle of the whole thing... he handed them an immediate resignation and walked out. On one hand, yes, I'm nervous... with only one salary we're going to have to tighten our belts a little and live a bit less extravagantly... but on the other hand, I'm really happy because perhaps it's a blessing in disguise... A chance for him to start new and fresh somewhere and not have this horrible stress that place was giving him. And also... haven't you always wanted to say "take this job and shove it"? Imagine: he actually got to do that today. *cool*

So that's a wrap-up of the last three months... ending on a pretty big note...
Over the next couple days I'll catch-up on some of my LJ friend's journals... so don't be surprised if you get a response to a post from months ago. :)
*hugs everyone*

Last night, Barry and I went out with Ken & Don for dinner... and drinks... and ended up at Diamonz (local gay bar)... Sang karaoke and drank way too much beer... my head is hurting BIG TIME today... UGH! And I had to wake up early and get in around 8am to meet with my boss... My day has been flying by (thankfully)... but I've still got a pounding headache and upset stomach... and just can't wait to get out of here. I bet the other guys were feeling it this morning too... *sigh*

So things here at work with my software are starting to get more intense... the recent changes had me worried that my job might go away... but definitely turning in the other direction now: they are going to cause a lot more work for me. Which on one hand is a very good thing... but on the other hand, I'm really not sure I'm ready for this. My new boss has a very different way of working... and in order for things to happen now I've really got to step-up and take charge of things. I've got to make some drastic changes and figure out how and what is going to happen... and I'm not feeling very confident in myself... It's going to be a big learning/growing experience for me over the next few months. I feel it... I'm at one of those "turning points" in my life... a point which is going to change me and what I do... I'm not sure I'm ready for it... but the snowball is already rolling down the hill and I can't stop it...

Well... once again I'm faced with the possibility of my job going away. ( Cut, cause it's a ramble )

I don't know... new laptop, new dept, new team, new manager, and moving to a new building -- all adds up to a lot of changes... and that makes me unsettled... nervous...

*phew* It's done... the deck is complete!
I was surprised at how quickly it came together and how well it turned out. I guess, you could say, I impressed myself.
You see, the deck was definitely not done entirely by me... I had a lot of great help! and it couldn't have been done without everyone's help... but the deck was designed and ordered by me with input from Barry... and it turned out exactly like we wanted... It's so cool to have taken-on a project of this size (12ft x 28ft!) and have it come to completion through your own blood, sweat, and tears. (Yes, there was a little blood, a few tears, and a whole-lot of sweat... ;)

Pictures! Click through to the gallery to see more pictures from the three weekends.

	Weekend 1: Front deck joists are finished, temporary decking to allow access to camper
	Weekend 2: A view of the entire length of the deck, note the temporary step in front
	Weekend 3: Paul standing on the front deck (with celebratory champagne in-hand)

Late on a Monday night... evening wrapping up and just thinking about heading to bed. It's so funny that on weekends at camp I'm passing out at 10/11pm and actually feeling tired... while, now, when I SHOULD be going to bed, I'm sitting here kind-of restless. I can only assume that it's because I'm sedentary all day sitting at my PC, while at camp we've been working all day long doing things around the site and staying active. (It would also explain why I'm sore. ;)

We really got a lot more stuff done this weekend. Including finalizing our plans for the guest-house and deck. However, we just decided tonight that we aren't going to build the guest-house this year... for a couple reasons, the two main reasons being money and usage -- we can't justify the cost of building it (both $$ and time/labor) for the usage that it would get. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have company and guests stay at our site... but $5000+ is a bit much to spend... especially when we're still paying off the camper and the new bathroom downstairs. I'm thinking next year, and we'll be able to focus on it a bit more so that we can probably save some money (build more ourselves). The deck will be our only project for this year... I'm going to try and keep the momentum going, cause I know that if Barry and I sit back and say "OK, looks good, let's do it next week" it will end up being the week-after-never... we both work better with deadlines.

Other things at camp are going well... we just need to get out and visit people yet... we've been so busy with our own site that I'm forgetting what the rest of the campground looks like. LOL.

Barry and I went out for dinner at the Colonial House. Had a good dinner... and several beers... and played some MegaTouch...
Got home around 10pm... and I wasn't tired... I'm still not tired... it's midnight...

I've actually been working for the last two hours... Yes... actual work... I mean, OK, so I'm geekily impressed with myself for something that I did today at work (created the basis for a method to import tab-delimited text into the database via a web user interface)... I created it really quick too, like in just a few hours at the end of the day. Well, it's not perfect yet, and so that's what I was playing with for about an hour or so. I noticed while I was testing and playing with it that my server was running really slow... so I started to investigate and found that the server had a runaway process on it. (I think I caused it earlier in the day by possibly creating a continuous-loop in one of my test pages... oops) Well, anyway, so the nightly reports weren't running. So I rebooted the computer and kicked off the reports again. I'm really glad / lucky that I found that tonight... because if the users found it on Monday morning, I would have had some ugly messages for me to start my week.

I'm still not tired at all... I don't want to be up all night doing nothing... but I also don't really feel like going to bed... but I don't want to do anything... it's a weird feeling...

I don't feel settled in my life... it's a weird feeling...

My allergies / cold / poison ivy (which is what I think these itchy dots are all over my body, either that or chicken pox -- which they can't be because I had them already and they really don't fit the description)... anyway... I don't feel healthy really... for the past two months or so? I'm looking forward to my doctor appointment on Tuesday. (Yes, I actually made an appointment this past Tuesday.)

Everything is just a little weird... off-balance... fighting between two sides but the sides aren't defined...

This is a late-night-stream-of-conscious post... but sometimes those are good to get things out of my head so I can rest.

I'm looking forward to finding balance in my life...

Perhaps seeing a medical doctor is not the only doctor I need to see... I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone in my life anymore because everyone is connected to everyone and everyone has feelings about this-and-that and no one is really seeing the whole picture... including myself. I see things the way I want to see them when I see them and the next time I see them they are completely different.

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After a post like this... it's amazing to think that I just spent two hours doing really technical / geeky stuff.